Repair, Rupture and Alter

Ruptures in relationships are inevitable.

They happen when communication and understanding break down between two people. “Rupture” between a parent and child or teenager occurs when the parent and child/teen experien

ce a loss of connection, resulting in misattunement.

Ruptures resulting in the child shutting the door or the parent walking away-

Scene 1    Child: “I forgot to clean my room today.”

                     Parent: “You can never do anything responsibly.”

Scene 2    Child: “Can I go out with my friends for the third night in a row?”

                    Parent: “You are hopeless. “

Scene 3    Child- Why do you have chicken for dinner every day?

                   Parent: “You are so ungrateful.”

Psychological research shows children's and teens' mental health depends on effective repair cycles in relationships, which strengthen bonds and attachment, not their absence. Cognitive neuroscience suggests that repair alters the rewiring in children's brains, making them more relaxed and positive.

Children and teens cannot repair it because, developmentally, they lack the skills to understand, validate, and apologize. When parents do it, we help boost the trust and connection and gift valuable life skill into their toolbox, fostering confidence for their future relationships, recognizing that conflicts are inevitable and can be resolved in a healthy way.

Is it ever too late to repair?  It is never too late, even if your child is 15 or even 36! Repair is intentionally gaining reconnection and can be done after 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, or 3 years.

How can you “Repair”?

1.     Self-regulation: Find internal space and self-awareness. Mindfulness is known to develop non-reactive self-awareness.

2.     Take responsibility: Acknowledge mistakes and the impact of your actions. Self-talk, “I am the parent”.

3.     Validate feelings: Initiating a conversation, owning your part to restore connection. Start with your feelings, mistakes.

4.     Make amends: Offer a genuine apology for the specific action or behavior. Saying, Sorry, I apologize.

5.     Reassure and growth mindset: Show confidence in collaboratively finding solutions for future situations. Saying, “Let’s, together, will try my best”.