Attachment series: 3. Understanding attunement with your children

From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind.

  - Daniel J. Siegel, MD

Attunement starts from infancy, such as when a parent smiles back at a baby's smile or says “whoops” when a toddler drops something. This shows the child that the parent recognizes and shares their feelings. In simple terms, attunement is the ability to recognize your own mental and physical state while also establishing a connection with another person. It is a crucial social skill and the foundation of human relationships; without it, we become isolated from others and disconnected from our inner experiences.

Attunement is a fundamental part of the broader process known as attachment.

The developmental science suggests that a six-day-old infant follows the caregiver/mother's movements. At 2-7 weeks, the infant orients towards the primary caregiver and prefers them over others. At 17 weeks, his gaze follows his mother's eyes more closely, attuning himself to his mother's emotions. Neuroscience explains that the right hemisphere of a mother's brain (or the primary caregiver's brain), which is associated with unconscious emotions, programs the infant's right hemisphere. In the early months of brain development, this moment-to-moment connection between the two is important for healthy neural attachment. It is also known to coordinate the complex network of genetic signals that control optimal brain development throughout childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.

Attunement remains essential during teenage years, a period characterized by the development of brain pathways and neural connections, via pruning and myelination. This process helps establish the neurochemical systems involved in attention and emotional self-regulation. Teenage years are crucial because they represent a developmental tipping point, where biological sensitivities and cognitive-social changes make experiences particularly impactful. These experiences help shape habits, identity, economic trajectories and mental health that continue into adulthood.

Tips to Enhance Your Attunement with Your Teens

1.     Active Listening: Instead of only thinking about your reply, focus on listening to what your teen is saying and feeling.

2.     Validate emotions with judgement: Acknowledge their feelings as valid, even if their behavior isn't agreeable. Use phrases like, "I see that's a big worry for you" or "That's tough, I would feel disappointed too."

3. Avoid minimizing: Avoid dismissing their feelings with phrases such as, "It's not a big deal" or "You'll get over it." 

4.     Create tech-free time: Have tech-free meals or activities that encourage everyone to participate in conversation.

5.     Have a check-in time: Teen brains flourish with structure and routine, whether in the morning or evening. 

6. Be humble: Apologize when you make a mistake. Admitting you're wrong, strengthening the connection, and demonstrating to your teen that it's okay to be imperfect.

7. Remember you don't have to be perfect: Even the most attentive parents are only in sync with their children about 30% of the time, so don't get discouraged if you miss some cues.

8. Model emotional regulation: By staying calm in your responses, you demonstrate to your teens how to handle their own emotions effectively.

9. Respond with intention: Pause briefly before reacting to frustrating moments. Consider what your teen needs from you in that situation and respond with thoughtfulness rather than frustration. 

10.  Share your difficulties with them, seeking their advice: This makes you look human and helps your teen relate more to you.