Attachment series: 1. Developing a Supporting Cast for your children

“My kids were raised by six to eight moms. A schoolteacher, a music teacher, two neighbours, a friend at netball, their godmother, my mom, and my sister. They did their own part…. called them on their birthdays, welcomed them for weekend lunches/dinners, hosted them during summers, took them on summer holidays. I am so grateful, my kids gained self-esteem and many life skills with these adult interactions.”

                                                Amy, mother of a 15-year-old and 10 year 10-year-old

Few research studies…

A study at Columbia University found that positive relationships with parents and other adults during childhood are associated with better mental health in adulthood, regardless of exposure to adverse childhood experiences.

A study in Ireland found that strong, positive relationships with parents and other caring adults protect adolescents from a range of poor health-related outcomes and promote positive development.

A study in Australia showed that attachments and Interactions with other adults, not just caregivers, are vital for children's development. They promote social skills, self-regulation, self-awareness, resilience, and help form healthy relationships.

Worldwide, multidisciplinary research studies have shown that there are numerous benefits to children being raised among other community members, in addition to their parents. These members can be grandparents, siblings, teachers, neighbors, or church members. 

Children and teens thrive with attachment bonds and connections.

Attachment is a clinical term used to describe "a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

                                                                           John Bowlby, attachment theory in 1997

Multiple attachments foster a secure foundation and promote skills like self-regulation, which involves managing emotions and behavior, along with social competence and positive peer interactions. A secure base encourages children to explore and face challenges. It is also noted that children with secure attachments are generally more resilient, competent, and trusting of others. Children can develop attachments with various individuals such as fathers, grandparents, older siblings, and daycare providers. 

Children can benefit from interacting with different adults, gaining exposure to various perspectives, humor, and learning strategies. Psychological research indicates that attachment plays a key role in shaping the developing brain, as attachment experiences are vital for neuropsychological growth. The neurochemical activity involved in attachment enhances positive physical contact and bonding, such as holding and gazing, which stimulate neurochemical processes that organize and reinforce the brain systems responsible for attachment. 

How to help your child develop this supporting cast?

1.     Reach out to relatives in the family: Spending holidays with cousins, whether near or extended, is valuable. It builds strong bonds, offers support, creates lasting memories, and boosts mental well-being and self-confidence. It fosters shared experiences and a sense of belonging, providing unconditional love and a safe space to discuss worries with understanding people.

2.     Engage kids in various community groups: Engaging children in community groups boosts social skills, empathy, and belonging. These activities foster teamwork, conflict resolution, and confidence, helping kids develop vital life skills and positive social connections.

3.     Neighborhood activities: Engage kids with neighborhood activities like gardening, clean-ups, celebrations, and food drives to foster empathy and responsibility. Visit local businesses and libraries for hands-on learning or host playdates and block parties to build social skills and communities.

4.     Maintain old friendships -Taking holidays together, being present for your friend's family's landmark events, leaves a mark on your kids' growing minds. Relationships are important, and they need to be maintained intentionally. Remember, all families need this.

5.     Call your friends and family in kids’ presence—this helps kids observe and learn firsthand the importance of bonds. It kindles a sense of belonging and provides them with a role model to emulate.