Attachment series: 4. Wooing your children

Regardless of age, youngsters can begin working on developmental levels they have been unable to master, but only within the context of a close, personal relationship with a devoted adult.

                                                              -Stanley Greenspan, M.D., The growth of the mind

13-year-old Avi is in Grade 6. He has irregular moods. He is angry one moment and happy another. When his parents ask him to listen, he covers both his ears with both his hands. When angry, he throws things and says nasty things to his parents. His parents' efforts to encourage him to go to school on time, eat healthily, and limit screen time were met with resistance and unpleasantness.

During the consultation, parents were advised to focus on enhancing their relationship with Avi and to return for a follow-up after three months.

On their return visit, parents reported a changed atmosphere at home. Avi's outbursts had become less and milder. There was less resistance in doing day-to-day chores, going to school, screen time, etc. Children during adolescence are very prone to and susceptible to the negative aspects of their environment, and also very responsive to the positive changes.

The vulnerability that accompanies neurophysiological changes during this time is also an asset, providing teens with a potential for development. Just as Avi was reactive to his parents' anxious behaviours, he was able to thrive as he felt security and understanding.

Parents were surprised and delighted by how quickly, after only a few months of an attachment-driven approach, their son began to reach important milestones for emotional growth.

Suggestion to change the atmosphere at home:

1.     Invite the child: This is achieved by showing daily that you enjoy spending time with your child. Engage in activities together or simply relax, giving each other positive attention. When with your child, be fully present. They reflect your active energy and feel assured that they have a place in your life.

2.     Avoid pointing out faults, mistakes, and blame: Criticism from parents is devastating. You do not hear the critical tone in your voice as the child perceives it. This is taken as rejection and invalidation. The child needs to know that your love for him is unconditional.

3.     Give praise in a measured tone, reflect feelings: you should put the value on what the child does and not who he is. “You worked hard for this,” “You tried your best” is more effective for the child's self-esteem than “You are pretty “ or “You do well in school.” Acknowledge warmly when the child does something well, but make a comment about the deed rather than about the child, about the effort rather than about the result.

4.     You cannot parent from anger: When you get angry with your child, you break the connection. The child feels shame and insecurity and blames himself for this. Also, doubts his inability to form a close relationship with anyone. The child can exhibit this by becoming angry and vengeful toward their parents. When angry, leave the room or call on another parent to take over.

5.     Accept your responsibility to restore the relationship: it is for the parent to try to reestablish contact. Discuss calmly with your child what happened, validate their emotions, and listen to their point of view.

By prioritizing attachment relationships, parents help build the child’s sense of security and self-acceptance. They are also modelling for their children that relations can be mended by emphasizing development and healing.